The Political Horrorshow

The Horror of Bridenstine
Where the Tea Party and Gothic terror meet

Rep. Bridenstine

There are persistent rumors that my own district’s elected Tea Party darling, Rep. Jim Bridenstine, is not at all what he claims to be!

Word on the street is that he’s only going along with the Tea Party plot to shut down the government and tank the economy because, as a depraved necrophile, his back-stabbing of America will lead to more deaths of veterans, child cancer patients and the less fortunate, resulting in greater numbers of fresh, dead “play-things” for him to satiate his perverted appetites upon.

Of course, we’ve all heard the same thing about Sen. Ted Cruz, except he is rumored to only violate the corpses of top-tier Ivy League graduates, while Bridenstine is not known to be that selective. We can only hope that he has the presence of mind to send his children out of the room before he “gets his freak on”.

It is not known if Bridenstine’s transformation from a patriot and upholder of the American way of life to a crazed necrophiliac terrorist, willing to do anything in pursuit of his vile urges, is the result of some trauma suffered during his time in South America as a Navy aviator, but his masquerade as a mere Tea Party partisan is beginning to crumble. Simple hatred of the country of his birth could scarcely cause him to seek sexual gratification with the dead. Even the thought of it is enough to fill non-Tea Party politicians with unspeakable revulsion!

If the walk-in “refrigerator” rumored to have been delivered to the Bridenstine residence is any clue, the government shutdown is planned to last quite a while: it will hold a lot of bodies. The covert installation was likely entrusted to the crews of shady “plumbers” employed by Rep. Markwayne Mullin to maintain total secrecy. Those two guys have a history, you know?

Since the Oklahoma delegation, the larger GOP and the Tea Party caucus as a group have shown no signs of any vestigial decency and have achieved that which even Al-Qaeda could not bring about, we should all plan for the worst while hoping for the best.

In the meantime, be sure to specify “immediate cremation” in your end-of-life planning documents, just to be safe from the post-mortem depredations of these sick sons of bitches.